I’m not a huge fan of who I become when I’m dating someone (yes, I know me & her aren’t technically “dating” but for simplicity sake I’m going to use relationship-ish terminology). I become very clingy, very needy. I HATE IT!
Being single doesn’t bother me. I’m actually quite happy when I’m single. Reflecting just now, it’s almost as if I’m happier when I’m not in a relationship - that it may be being in a relationship that makes me unhappy. All day yesterday I waited for her to get online, and all evening that’s what I’ve been doing also. There was a ton of other stuff I could have been doing, constructive stuff….but no, I was sitting on my ass trying to find something to do online while I waited for her. It was similar with the last 'person' I dated. We got in a routine of seeing each other almost every day and then when there would be days we didn’t see each other, it would really bother me. It’s as if I become dependent on whoever I’m dating and my life begins to revolve around them.
Why am I happily independent when I’m single and miserably dependent when I’m in a relationship? Wouldn’t it make sense that I was independent or dependent in both circumstances?
I know that part of it does have to do with that damn trust thing. If a girl isn’t with me, where is she? What is she doing? Who is she with? Ironically enough, the 'she' I mentioned earlier, whom I saw almost every day - yeah on the days we didn’t see each other she would often go out to eat with his ex-bf (as friends, of course!) , but soon she broke up with me for him. So, perhaps it’s more trust than dependency. Hmmmm….
I’m going to work on not letting my life revolve around and moods be determined by her presence in my life. Starting to do that and sticking to it is gonna be a fuckin` though. I think I’ll start tomorrow….
